maidenmoney

I'm in the midst of stagnation. I'm always quick to blame the place I'm in at the moment. I'm always ready to dream of that next place which I'm always sure will fill me with optimism and motivation. I'm about two to three weeks away from leaving Seattle. I've been pretty motionless here. I've been thinking a lot. Thinking about school, my loves, my home, a boy, places, really I've been thinking about anything that feels worthwhile. But I've been too still. For the first time in a long time I have felt this alone. It's a good thing. I don't have anyones respected opinion to make my own decisions off of. So, I'm going away again. I don't have a real home on Seattle now that my mother is gone. I keep going on these bike rides when I'm feeling homesick. Last summer I would have taken myself to 1808 B 26th ave. Now I just go up a lot of hills till I'm worn out. Then I float back down to my apartment too tired to care that I'm back in a place that will soon be nothing to me. My dream for this next year in New York is grandiose. There aren't any hills to worry about. I hope I can make a real home for myself there. I'm planing on it.

my eyebrows are different shapes. i feel like this deformation gives me a certain expression when my face is natually relaxed. i sit here. relax my face. look in the mirror. one eyebrow, because it's shape, appears to be raised up. i have a natural look of speculation. tres tres bizarre.

I altered this palce into one recognizable facades of welome and reminders of home. When home has, only now, become a period of time in which has passed. Every moment I can only experience only as the moment before. Past tense. I’m ready to wander in these ideas. To relish in the comfort of something I will never know in an instance outside my mind.

im seriously considering some big changes. just tell me yes or no, and then why. you don't need to know what i'm asking. i just need some things answered. tell me tell me tell me. yes yes no no?

im getting too lazy to go to laura's house for a zine party. but im to because i want to make zines and i want to get one of those new cool 40oz ie champagne a la rose. i found an apartment on Brooklyn in the u. distrct. it's no capitol but i have a feeling ill probobly spend the majority of my time at olivia's and toby's. i can't move in till the 10th of june.......blows. but they are prorating the firt month...and there is no expensive deposit. woooo hoooo.